go to hell

i never knew
why my mom cried every night
why my brother threw things
why my sister was the saddest person i ever knew
why my dad stood back and watched it all

if i could go back in time
i would let my mom know how much i loved her
i would tell my brother not to worry about what other people think, because other people suck
i would hug my sister more often, and maybe go on a walk to the brook
i would tell my dad that he should talk more

i was in 5th grade when everything went to shit
divorce
college
brother
new "mom"
the twin conversation
christmas eve, crying in my bed because i knew my mom was doing the same, alone, in an apartment 40 miles away from her children
ADHD

now
my life is equally as strange
in love with a girl who lives a state and a lake away
a father and stepmom who are unpredictable, but also very regimental
a mother driven by her job, her dream, but who doesn't have a lot of time
a brother not living his dream at 27
a sister not living her dream at 22
a best friend in texas

i think about dying for about 5 minutes every day
but then i think about everything else going to shit
nothing would ever be the same

i steal clothes and food and magic cards because it makes me feel
well, i do FEEL
but it gives me a rush
think about it
i break the law EVERY TIME I SET FOOT INTO A STORE
well, not every time
i don't steal from locally owned stores
i just want to not have to worry about things
i just want to solve everything
i just want to make everything better
i just want to make people happy
i just want to love and know i'm loved back
i just want to have someone to really talk to
i just want to be satisfied
i just want to be high all the time
i just want to make music

i wish i knew where to start
i find that i'm just not very good at anything i do

i'm sorry

i am 16 years old and all i can think about every day is how much i want to run away from here
not just my town
not just my country
not just my side of the ocean
earth

i would be content to just fly through space, listening to music, and just not thinking for the rest of my life

i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know
I
AM
NEVER
GOING
TO
BE
ANYTHING

nothing i have done, or will do, will amount to anything
ever

ever is a long time

help
i have fallen and i can't get up

i am a terrible person
i am not the worst
but i am far from the best

i think about purposely failing to kill myself just so i can go and live in a youth home
so i can take meds
so i can not feel
so i can stay in one place my whole life
but then i couldn't longboard with them
that would suck more


godihatemyselfandihopeyoudotoo

i know my life would be perfect in some peoples eyes
i know some would kill for what i have
i know that i could be way worse off
i could be starving
i could have been born with aids
or i could have been forgotten

instead i have a family who loves me





so then why do i still hate myself?