do they speak english in what?

here it comes
the whole truth
the whole fucking thing
all of it
right now
here


so i'm totally in love with her
i think
or i'm in love with the idea of her
it's like that thing people say
"there is someone out there for everyone"
i think she is my someone
maybe
i'm only 17
i still have plenty of time
maybe
it was just so miraculous
you know
"holy shit this girl is just like me!"
"holy shit this girl likes me!"
"she thinks."
it did kill, when she said she liked me but really didn't
but i forgive her
i've done it too
told someone i didn't like
that i liked them
but whatever
water under the bridge
it just seems like if i pass her up
forget her
if i don't pursue her
i'll be missing out on the biggest part of my life
but then i think
"why would she want to be with me?"
"i'm probably dropping out of school"
"i'm probably not going to be a musician"
"i'm probably not going to be anything"
she's going to college
something i will never do
it's pretty important to her
she's going to purchase i believe
my sister went there
she said it sucked
but my sister also went there for drama/dance
not creative writing
so who knows, it might be better for her
why do i keep calling her "her?"
her name is julia
there we go
none of this stupid
"i hope she never finds this"
bullshit
i don't really care if she does
she's very internet savvy
much more than i am, that's for sure
so if she does find it
so if you do find it
tell me please
okay
that part is over
i think
maybe i'll see julia over the summer
maybe she won't want to
maybe i won't want to
haha what a lie
of course i want to
but maybe i shouldn't
it would probably be better
i think
she's perfect in my eye, you see
and i think i'm in love with her
i think
or maybe the idea of her
which i stated earlier
maybe she is the worst person in the world
or maybe she is who i hope she is
for real
i hope
shit
i keep saying she
julia
julia
julia
it's a pretty name
we're also getting married you see
in a
"wouldn't it be cool if..."
way
we aren't actually getting married
because she doesn't actually love me
because she doesn't actually know me
because she lives in fucking new york
and is going to school in fucking new york
but who am i to complain
it's her life
i'm not about to tell her to not go to school there
and come to vermont instead
i'm not ruining someone's life like that
already ruined mine
haha
let's feel bad for ezra time!
i would probably hate myself if i met myself
or something
i can't really say
the only person i know who is like me is the girl who i may or may not be in love with
how can i be in love with someone if i have never met them you ask?
well
i don't know
i've never been in love
which i know for a fact
there has not been a day since august 20th that i have not thought about her
which i know for a fact

so where do i go from here?
i don't know
i'm terrible at conclusions
maybe i should go see her
steal a car and drive to syracuse
maybe i should just forget about her
never text or call or contact again
maybe i'll just act like i'm not totally infatuated with her
you know
"just friends"
maybe i'll tell her everything
call her and tell her
ev
er
y
th
in
g

i just think that my feelings for her are too big
and that eventually i'll get hurt

but if i don't actually get the girl in the end
oh well
at least i tried
"hey grampa, tell us again about your (maybe) true love?"
"well children, it was the summer of '09. your gramps was surfing the ooooooooooold internet, when he came across this website where you talk to strangers.
you see, your gramps was in a bad mood, what with all that shit music that was going around. so he told the stranger "nickleback sucks."
the stranger then replied:
"amen."
well, your gramps was pretty excited to find a stranger with the same anti-taste in music, and he took to talking to this stranger. we talked for a while about bands and music, sharing interest in bands that not a lot of people knew about. after a bit, the stranger had to go, so your gramps asked for her information, so that they could talk again in the future. she obliged, and your gramps took to talking to this girl almost every day since.
we exchanged feelings for each other two months later, although the girl claimed them to be false, as she was under the influence of cannabinoids and alchohol. but your gramps was surely serious, but he forgave her. as he did with the next time she claimed to have feelings for him.
your grampa fucked up a couple of times too, like that one night where he straight up flipped shit and ranted about how fucking sad and fucked up he was. but i think she forgave me.
i think."

i have no idea what to write here
because i have no idea what happens
maybe the children meet their grandma
and she is someone else
i don't know
i'll have to ask myself in the future
if i remember to haha

FUCK.
YOU.
SUPERNOTHING.

empire! empire!

part 1. you are what i am not

will the same mistakes haunt you like they used to do?
or are you afraid that your body won't let you choose?
you are your father's son, the same disease that holds you held him once!
and i know that if you push this hard it will still take hold.
you cannot accept the things you can't control.
and i know your mind is young but your body's old.
and you can't forgive yourself (though no one else could blame you for this).
but hold on! hold on! hold on!

and already i can't remember the heart was ever aware
that the body it kept alive was wearing out, was shutting down.
and tonight, when it realized you gave up, it cried out,
"only now, i realize i always knew."

then, every breath made you confess you did not know what to do with your hands, this is a new side of you- so full of fear.

part 2. to esmé with love

you wore the hand-me down dress that never fit quite right.
your mother's frame did not favor you.
the summer she passed you were born, and your father lost his job.
he could not handle it (or you).
you wore the saddest smile that never fit quite right.
yours mother's smile felt that way too.
the summer she gave her life for you, and your father blamed you,
was the summer you began to blame yourself too.

the long days piled into weeks before you'd speak, as the stone crawled to meet the shoreline.
and it began to rain at once!
i tried (i tried, i tried, i tried) to keep the awful things at bay from you.
but it was on the air and useless,
i might as well have tried to prove the words i fought to purchase would comfort you.
like, "there was nothing more that we could do."
or that i still loved you (when nothing could be further from the truth).
will your hand fall out of mine?
your shame lives on its own, trying to reach the depths down where it belongs.
will it find rest in your bones?
aching and pulling muscles to act out against you!
so stay your pity now.
if it reaches the heart, we all pull out.
and let the beat slow down.
(there's nothing that we can do for you now)
are you sorry or are you just scared?
there will be no false comfort here.
oh, i ought to tell you the truth! i did not to come to plea for you.
where was your heart when your words led the truth anywhere else from you?
you're not sorry, you are just scared,
i have not come to calm your fears
i am sorry i hid what you are.
but everyone else but me already knew! already knew!
and would not come to plea for you.
where was your heart when they never appeared?
anyone else would care.
but you would not shouldered the weight you should bear.
i will not shed a single tear.

part 3. and squalor (midnight conversation where the rain meets the hood.)

it flew out of your mouth, "you can drive me anywhere- just drive me anywhere but here."
tonight, the length of your neck is a lonely parapet; you are armed to the teeth and looking for a fight.
it was in your mother's dress that the temper finally showed signs of slowing down. your fingers traced the route of the seam (like a map of your body that landed just shy of your knees).
it fell the same way on your mother- as she was, at that age, the same height as you.
she never faced a fear quite as sharp, but her sister did and it broke her heart
what came out your mouth next was a series of mistakes- you had taken all you could take,
and here tonight, the weight of their stares, they could bury you alive. you were worn to the bone and looking to disappear. and who could blame you?

it was in your mothers dress that the temper finally died out, and gave way to the fear that keeps its company with such a loud mouth! (like the sound of an earthquake tearing out terra firma's mouth).

you must not let it in, and keep your head up on top of your body. there are far, far worse things than this, so we must move with purpose and do what has to be done.

part 4. realize my real eyes are real lies

oh no! i thought you'd changed; take back all the things you said.
i remember thinking this evidence you left was damning enough
but you took all the words from my mouth and pulled them out.
how could i not see you for what you are?
but you turned all the words from my mouth into doubt.

and i wish i could tear your heart out!
break meter and release, and still the voice it keeps
and i wish that your lungs would give out,
and finally give air to breathe
but i know better now. no words could weed you out
when your back's against the wall, you'll be crying out
"i'll take all the words from your mouth and leave them out."
your hands are shaking.
finally, call out!
and the silence breaks your heart, finally.
oh, i almost pity you now (i almost pity you now).
finally, call out!
oh, i almost pity you now.
and i wish i could tear your heart out!
break meter and release, and still the voice it keeps
and i wish for your lungs to give out, finally.

city lights grace the interstates, the way you moved your hands through your hair when you feel alone.
remember the flowers you picked when we crossed over madison?
you were so sure you found yourself that you branded it into an oak - the one you swore reached through the sky and swallowed the city line,
you had yet to hit eighteen (an age that would swallow you.)

will i ever understand how anything gets done?
i tied a knot in my heart for you, thinking that's what you wanted.
i tried to make my voice sincere
(tell everyone how hard it was)
and anyway, i could never reach your ears,
like the weight of its wings were clipped when they hovered near you.

should i tie your arms afloat to its melody, and anchor my heart to you in hopes
i'll climb out your mouth?
i was so sure you wanted love,
how could anyone find doubt?
i tied a knot in my heart for you,
though it's not what you wanted.

wear your heart out

wear your heart out

wear your heart out

i tried to make my voice sincere
(tell everyone how hard it was)
and anyway, i could never reach your ears,
like the weight of its wings were clipped when they hovered near you

I am so fucking pissed right now. I want to yell and break shit. But i'm not going to, because i'm such a goddamn nice guy