go to hell

i never knew
why my mom cried every night
why my brother threw things
why my sister was the saddest person i ever knew
why my dad stood back and watched it all

if i could go back in time
i would let my mom know how much i loved her
i would tell my brother not to worry about what other people think, because other people suck
i would hug my sister more often, and maybe go on a walk to the brook
i would tell my dad that he should talk more

i was in 5th grade when everything went to shit
divorce
college
brother
new "mom"
the twin conversation
christmas eve, crying in my bed because i knew my mom was doing the same, alone, in an apartment 40 miles away from her children
ADHD

now
my life is equally as strange
in love with a girl who lives a state and a lake away
a father and stepmom who are unpredictable, but also very regimental
a mother driven by her job, her dream, but who doesn't have a lot of time
a brother not living his dream at 27
a sister not living her dream at 22
a best friend in texas

i think about dying for about 5 minutes every day
but then i think about everything else going to shit
nothing would ever be the same

i steal clothes and food and magic cards because it makes me feel
well, i do FEEL
but it gives me a rush
think about it
i break the law EVERY TIME I SET FOOT INTO A STORE
well, not every time
i don't steal from locally owned stores
i just want to not have to worry about things
i just want to solve everything
i just want to make everything better
i just want to make people happy
i just want to love and know i'm loved back
i just want to have someone to really talk to
i just want to be satisfied
i just want to be high all the time
i just want to make music

i wish i knew where to start
i find that i'm just not very good at anything i do

i'm sorry

i am 16 years old and all i can think about every day is how much i want to run away from here
not just my town
not just my country
not just my side of the ocean
earth

i would be content to just fly through space, listening to music, and just not thinking for the rest of my life

i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i'm never going to be anything
i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know
I
AM
NEVER
GOING
TO
BE
ANYTHING

nothing i have done, or will do, will amount to anything
ever

ever is a long time

help
i have fallen and i can't get up

i am a terrible person
i am not the worst
but i am far from the best

i think about purposely failing to kill myself just so i can go and live in a youth home
so i can take meds
so i can not feel
so i can stay in one place my whole life
but then i couldn't longboard with them
that would suck more


godihatemyselfandihopeyoudotoo

i know my life would be perfect in some peoples eyes
i know some would kill for what i have
i know that i could be way worse off
i could be starving
i could have been born with aids
or i could have been forgotten

instead i have a family who loves me





so then why do i still hate myself?

i will always be your han solo

magic: the gathering

today i played magic in the cafeteria with some kids
these kids are nerds, but so am i
anyway we had fun

magic fucking rules

reeleyes

realize
real lies
real eyes

And we learn
As we age
We've learned nothing
And my body still aches
And you take
Cause they give
Though I love you
And my body it leaks like a sieve

i feel like she didn't mean it
her and everyone else
but at least she kind of admitted it
which is good
good
good
but i can't stop thinking about her
oh
well
worse things have happened
waterunderthebridgesupernothing

she said it

she said it
then i said it
and i was so happy